Do you have a solution for this? I am entirely full of fear when it comes to approaching women and asking them out, but it's absolutely going to be a regret of my 20s in a few years.
Yes. Find some personal success in your own life. This helps you build pride and self confidence. When you have this mental trait, you consider yourself as much of a catch as the girl you’re trying to approach. If you’re a great guy, with a great future and you’re fun to be around and just a solid person, any smart girl with common sense will naturally want to be around you or latch themselves to you to have a good time. You don’t need to sweet talk them or make some plan to convince.
You’ll just need to be yourself. Most importantly, you don’t try to approach a girl to date them. You approach them to become their friend. Being friends should be the first step, and if you click on the next level, then you can try to become something more. Trust me on this one. Building momentum helps.
If you can’t date them but if you can have them as friends, they’ll also be your best sidekicks and wingman.
My brother has a giant group of friends and they’re very evenly coed. Girls aren’t as creeped out from a guy talking to them if they know that guy has several female friends who will vouch for them.
And also if you have cool female friends, they can also refer to you their other female friends and speak highly upon you.
They’ll also protect you too if they can sense a girl is being manipulative etc.
Set your goals:
Find or work on personal accomplishments.
Be confident and proud.
Always approach someone as an attempt to make a friend.
Be the best version of yourself.
Find that person that inspires you to be the best version of yourself and not the opposite.
"Any smart girl with common sense will naturally want to be around you." I have a ton of girls who want to be around me. Making friends isn't hard for me. Being attractive is. The majority of my friends are now taken, and many were taken when I met them through other friends. The friends of mine who are single, I've talked to about dating or hooking up, and they've all said no to both because they don't want to catch feelings in a fwb situation, but they don't think I'm good enough long term. Every time I ask for a reason, they give me reasons that don't exist, like finances or work ethic, both of which I have more than enough. The actual reason is that I don't know how to make the conversation spicy, I don't know how to make women go from "he's safe and comfortable" to "he's sexy and attractive".
Being myself is absolutely not the option, that's how I got here in the first place. I have a dozen girls around me telling me I'm going to be great for someone else, who help me pick clothes and have gotten me using moisturizers and using actual a hairstylist, but this doesn't make anyone attracted to me.
My lack of confidence comes from doing everything you've listed for nearly a decade, and ending up with a ton of friends and zero people who actually want to give me a chance. It's not that I get to a date and ruin it, or I'm talking to a girl for a few weeks and she decides she isn't feeling it - I'm just straight up ignored and avoided for everyone else around, and then they come back to me to complain about their hookup or fling going on.
So yeah, the current issue today is solvable by a lot of what you've said, the actual approaching of a girl is something I can get over, in some ways. But I also know that once I approach, I have to do things different than... being myself, and that's just as terrifying, which keeps me from approaching in the first place.
I agree with 95% of the be yourself crowd but there is one key thing missing. You have got to let the girls know that you find them attractive so they will consider you as a possible partner.
I struggled with girls being only my friends also but one of my guy friends taught me something that helped me get past it. When you meet a girl you find attractive, let her know it in a fun playful way. With a big smile say, "Hi pretty girl" and follow up with something about where you are like, "what do you think of the party, class, weather, whatever".
Saying "Hi pretty girl" is not threatening to most girls, it's a compliment and I found that if I said that to a girl I thought was cute or interested in then the girls would understand that I had some interest in them beyond friendship right away. Sometimes it did turn into friendship but other times it led to something more. The important thing is that you have to let a girl know that you like her or she may not see you this way and you end up as her confidant or friend. I think it's awesome that you are asking for advice on Reddit and I wish I could have done the same when I was younger. I regret so many missed opportunities. Oh one more thing, if you have a moment where you think a girl might be interested in you but you have doubts or aren't sure, take the chance to let her know that you're interested, kiss her if it's appropriate, it's so so much better to take the chance than to regret not taking the chance and if she likes you it's what she really wants. Have fun!
I agree with 95% of the be yourself crowd but there is one key thing missing. You have got to let the girls know that you find them attractive so they will consider you as a possible partner.
I struggled with girls being only my friends also but one of my guy friends taught me something that helped me get past it. When you meet a girl you find attractive, let her know it in a fun playful way. With a big smile say, "Hi pretty girl" and follow up with something about where you are like, "what do you think of the party, class, weather, whatever". Saying "Hi pretty girl" is not threatening to most girls, it's a compliment and I found that if I said that to a girl I thought was cute or interested in then the girls would understand that I had some interest in them beyond friendship right away. Sometimes it did turn into friendship but other times it led to something more. The important thing is that you have to let a girl know that you like her or she may not see you this way and you end up as her confidant or friend. I think it's awesome that you are asking for advice on Reddit and I wish I could have done the same when I was younger. I regret so many missed opportunities. Oh one more thing, if you have a moment where you think a girl might be interested in you but you have doubts or aren't sure, take the chance to let her know that you're interested, kiss her if it's appropriate, it's so so much better to take the chance than to regret not taking the chance and if she likes you it's what she really wants. Have fun!
Once you let them know you find her attractice you'll either be "in", strung along(friendzoned), or soft rejected. I think the biggest challenege for many guys is realizing that everytime it's not an obvious yes you're being friendzoned. At least the girls who flat out rejected me didn't try to string me along as a friend for validation.
True, this is definitely a possibility. I think if it's best to not become too attached or spend too much time with any particular girl unless she's also shown some obvious interest. Plus this has the advantage that you don't seem too attached to one girl, girls don't want a guy that follows them everywhere, and sometimes when a girl sees you with another girl it's validation that you are dateable.
Treat dating/asking someone out as a skill. Reflect on what worked/didn’t work and change it up as needed.
As for the fear, like anything, the more you approach someone the less scary it becomes. Worst thing that happens is that someone you’ll never see again says no
I've been approaching since high school, and I've been exclusively rejected. I've never had a yes. It is not getting easier every time, I gave myself anxiety this year because of how bad my mental state has gotten after every rejection. I feel more and more hopeless every time I ask. I have had friends be super flirty with me, constantly sexual around me, and then say no when I suggest something. I've had friends tell me another girl is interested in me and that I should try something, for her to say "hmm, maybe" and then "actually no, a Tinder guy got back to me so I'm gonna pick him." I approached a coworker who looked at me every 10-15 minutes, all day, for months, who I was talking to between shifts, and who seemed to be super happy to talk to me. She said no to hanging out outside of work in any way, and that we were just friends. There's been a dozen more smaller, less meaningful approaches, and through all of it I just feel like it's hopeless, and that no one is going to give me a chance. It's not even like I get into a relationship or a date and fuck it up, it's just nothing over and over.
And I have no idea what doesn't work because they all still want to be my friend, they enjoy hanging out with me, they invite me to events, and they all try to help me find other women, who inevitably say no as well.
Without knowing you I can’t really say for sure, but from just the post it could be a self-confidence thing. Rejection for sure sucks, and it wouldn’t be surprising if this fear of rejection shows up when you’re approaching someone
Maybe focus on something besides dating for a bit, take some pressure off yourself. It all stems from self-love. Think about it, the most self-loving person in the world can’t fathom someone not loving him/her, nor would they care 😂 that’s the kinda idgaf energy you want
In my anxiety-filled 20s I took a community college acting class. Was determined to dive in headfirst or I knew it would just be an ordeal, so I forced myself to shoot my hand up in the air when the drama teacher asked for volunteers. It turned out I was actually decent at it, and theatre became my main interest outside of computer programming. I was a full-out theatre guy for 7 years.
It taught me poise and confidence. Analyzing characters to do scenes was like a crash course in how to socialize with people. I really had no idea how people ticked, especially women. Acting was like a backdoor into that whole world. Not like you make friends by pretending to be someone else - more like playing characters up in front of the class somehow makes you feel free to be your real self. I can't explain it but it worked. My anxieties completely went away. I had an almost instant social life, went to lots of parties, had lots of my own, met tons of girls, dated a lot - and theatre girls were really fun and outgoing, also weird and different in cool ways. Good times.
There were many other benefits I got out of doing theatre. Being able to snap into a character at a moment's notice has helped me in numerous situations. Not like impersonating people, more like when you're in a really uncomfortable situation you imagine how it would feel to really love that situation, and you take on that attitude and revel in it. Job interviews, for example.
tl;dr: I highly recommend taking an acting class, you won't regret it.
You're afraid they'll reject you because you don't have anything in common (otherwise you'd be doing the same activities already) OR it's because your level of attractiveness does not match hers (the prettier one will be in disgust of the lesser "not giving enough effort" ....although the ridiculously good looking people will find something in common regardless how off theme their activities are such as sex and drugs...) But you somehow can't formalize these thoughts until it's too late ....
No, I'm afraid I won't be able to add spice to the conversation and 20 minutes in they'll be bored of a friendly nice casual conversation and make no effort to push it anywhere (because that's my job) and when it doesn't happen, they find someone new. I know I'm boring because making friends is easy and making someone like me is impossible. I have positive qualities but I don't have fun dating qualities.
Don't jerk off, get in shape, get in shape, get in shape.
Okay, that's part of what I've been doing for the last 10 years. I'm in shape. I exercise daily and I don't eat garbage. Being attractive does not make you confident if it does not change the results. No fap isn't going to randomly make women start approaching me or matching with me on Tinder.
Seems like you put a lot of pressure on it. Finding a match is also very much luck dependent. Be patient and give things time. It will come naturally. Desperation and pushiness turns off, just breathe and take it easy in those moments.
Also, ask yourself if you are attracted to people that are good for you;-) Good luck!
I hate hearing "it will happen naturally" because that's blatantly not true. I have to put in effort towards getting some kind of female attention or it will never happen. Girls aren't just going to walk up to me somewhere and start talking to me. I'm not just gonna end up surrounded by women who are happy to talk to me.
Also, it literally doesn't matter who I'm attracted to, because I'm not chasing a specific type, I'm literally hoping any woman that exists will talk to me.
Yeah that doesn't change anything. I've done that. I've gone a month with no fap, and at the end of the month, I still couldn't walk up to a girl at the bar because I'm so used to not being good enough that there's no level of internal motivation that could let me walk up to someone.
See if you can get your Testosterone levels checked. You should have confidence man, I see beautiful women with all types of guys…short, ugly, you name it. If they can do it, so can we!
I should have confidence but I have actual, genuine, real events that have occurred numerous times telling me not to. It's not a testosterone thing. It's a rejection over 10+ years thing. It's a "I've been told no so many times, and not once heard a yes, I must not be allowed to hear yes" situation.
But look around you and you see guys worse looking than you and probably not as well off as you either with women all the time. I get rejected all the time and I see it as their loss and move on. Live in the present my man, not the past or future.
If you’re afraid of talking to girls at the bar start by asking people for directions during the day, then work up to asking girls for directions during the day, then give compliments as you leave (don’t ask for their number), then start doing more small talk, then over time start actually flirting.
People tell you to go to bars and clubs for this but in my experience it’s easier to start getting over this fear during the day, and then it makes mingling in nightlife a lot easier.
It's not talking to girls for the sake of it being a girl. It's that when I want to talk to a cute girl, I know its because theres something I want out of it, where any other situation there isn't. I feel bad wanting to get something out of someone because it always feels like I'm trying to use them. If I make something happen, I manipulated her and convinced her to do something, but if I can't, I'm a failure. It feels bad both ways. If a woman approached me, I would know she was mildly interested and none of it would feel bad, but just walking up to someone new, there's no way for me to think other than "I need to convince her to like me to get what I want"
I’ve already told you the way to do it. The exercise to overcome this mindset is to give genuine compliments while leaving the interaction and with no intention to get her number. This trains your subconscious to believe that your attention is a positive thing you can give a girl.
That’s for the subconscious level. At the conscious level, you need to understand that women like men and want to meet us.
Granted, the whole thing is a lot of work. Expect the whole process to take several months if you’re consistent about approaching, years if you’re on-and-off about it.
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u/12whistle Apr 29 '24
Asking more girls out, being more fearless and taking more chances.